One Year Ago

One year ago from this date, at almost this exact time, our hearts broke. Just a few months earlier, our lives had changed forever. Then, in an instant, they changed forever again.

It took over six months before my body was healed. While I’ve gained acceptance and some peace, hearing others’ stories of losing their babies–reminding me of who we will never be able to hold–I realize my heart is not yet healed. A year seems like a long time, but I remember being in that room and looking at the ultrasound like it was yesterday. I even remember the name of the sonographer–Joshi. “Well guys, I have bad news.” I remember crying for days. And days. My heart is still very raw. With this pregnancy, every cramp, every twinge of pain, every feeling, I wonder, “Is this it? Am I losing another baby?” I got the H1N1 vaccine and while I was confident that I was making the right decision, I still thought, “Did I just doom my baby?”

Part of it, I’m sure, is being pregnant again. Pulling out the maternity clothes I bought, but never got the chance to wear. And I remember why I never got to wear them. I think about Christmas and how this will be the last year where it’s just the two of us. And I remember thinking that last year, too. These things will soon pass, as I’m further along now and will start to experience things that won’t remind me of last time.

Doubt took a very long time to pass. Like I didn’t have enough to be upset about, the thought that maybe the sonographer got it wrong would creep in my head. And maybe the doctor wasn’t paying very close attention. Maybe the baby’s just small. I thought later that maybe I should have gotten another opinion. What if I had just “waited it out”? And my body not healing like it should have just fueled the fire that maybe my body was resisting for a reason. The agony of wondering whether or not medicine had screwed up was unbearable. Through this pregnancy, however, the doubt is gone. I had an ultrasound at 5 weeks and what I saw there, was much different than what I saw a year ago, at 12 weeks. I can’t say it resembled a baby at 5 weeks, but it was something and it wasn’t an empty uterus.

I can’t say I’m thankful this happened to us. And I don’t even know if that’s a place I’m supposed to be some day. I just know I’m not there now. But I have still found blessings in a very difficult year.

We found a doctor that we love. We found her, because she was on-call on the Saturday morning that I went into triage for an “urgent” D&C. I switched my care to her almost immediately. She took me seriously, took action to get my body back on track and cares about us. She did a happy dance when she found out we were pregnant again. I am thankful for my doctor.

A friend stepped up to listen and ask questions, because she had suffered loss too. I was able to share my feelings, however surprising they were to me, and know she’d been there. She kept me sane and out of a dark place. I am thankful for my friend.

I now have a permanent position as a designer for a university that is family-friendly and flexible. I love what I do and who I work with. The stress of finding permanent employment is lifted. I am thankful for my job.

I found the motivation to lose weight and meet major weight-loss goals. I am thankful for my health.

I found that in this tough time, Miles and I are not torn apart, but grow closer. I know I’m not alone in this hurting. I am thankful for my husband.

We’re almost 19 weeks pregnant. While not impossible, we most likely would not be having this baby now, if we just had a baby in June. I am thankful for my pregnancy.